At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday 29 November 2015

Happy Advent Everyone!! :) xxx

Yessssss...hard to believe but it is officially advent today...let the countdown to Christmas begin!! ;)

I am currently sitting here drinking my mid-morning hot choc of course ;) I think I remember from my R.E. classes in my secondary school days that advent can be considered a time of new beginnings. Which is I suppose very relevant for me, as I want the next few weeks, months and year to be a time of progress, transition and positive change, for me.

Haven't done anything that Christmassy today though, unfortunately :'( wellllll....Daddy bought Christmas choccies yesterday, so at least that's something? And I bought mincemeat for the mince pies I intend on making next weekend. (It was a HUMONGOUS jar may I add!! ;)

Ganache-Elf's apron will soon be covered in sticky mincemeat as well as chocolate!! ;)

And so, for one of my main goals for Advent in regards to recovery: Stick to my meal plan 100% over the next couple of weeks (I've marked this in me diary sot there will be NO "convenient" forgetting (oh how good ED is good at making us do just that :( !! ) sunday two weeks I am going to have review of everything and I might have to increase the intake again.

At the moment I suppose, it is still a scary thing for me, the thought of having to up my intake even more. I suppose, Considering this time a few weeks ago I suppose, I wasn't eating properly at all, this is hardly a shock to me. Actually picking myself up, acknowledging that I had had an actual relapse and doing everything in my power to get back onto my basic meal plan again was something that required enormous, enormous effort. Every day poses its own challenges; Ed is there, screaming away in my head; making me feel hesitant, uncertain, afraid, and sometimes, just plain terrified. But well, I'm looking at it this way. I know I HAVE to do this - there's no choice in the matter, anymore; it's either going to be me, or ED, who is going to win this battle. I can choose to kil my eating disorder...or I can choose to let it kill me.

Because that, after all, is the sad, terrible, final reality.

Eating disorders can, and do, kill. And even if it hadn't quite got to that point; even it hadn't got so bad that it had literally killed me... I still truly believe, heart and soul, that if I had continued to let ED control me, the real Emmy - the Emmy without her ED - would have been lost, destroyed forever. I would have become a ghost, a shadow of the girl that I should be. For living with an ED is not living; it is hanging otno life by the tiniest, thinnest threads, threads which could snap at any minute to cast you down, helpless and alone to be broken and torn upon the hard, cold rocks.

But I am not going to let this happen...as I can see now, looking back over the past few months...just how much it was killing me, slowly but surely, taking more and more away, bit by bit, piece by piece.

And so, sticking to my meal plan; and possibly upping my intake in the next few weeks.. Yes, it is tough, but...I know I can do it. I will do whatever it takes.

Anyway, today I thought aout some little things I could do to increase my intake, when the time comes:

  • The most obvious one: having an snack with my hot choc ;)
  • Making the snacks bigger or always going for bigger snacks
  • Having bigger bowls of cereal and extra toast at breakfast
  • Having a yoghurt/nuts etc with lunch and having the fruit before breakfast instead
For me, breakfast and snacks are the best ways I can improve, as these are the times when I feel the most hungry. ;)


I just wanted to say again, a big thank you for all your supportive, lovely comments on my posts since I started blogging again. I can't express how much this means to me...how much YOU all mean to me. Without you I honestly don't think overcoming my relapse would have been made possible...I can't even begin to thank you enough <3

And the good news is that today I literally SMASHED the first one of my ED goal!! I had a scone and butter with my afternoon hot choc...oh my goodness it was so so delicious <3
I am so, so happy that I managed to do this, as I am a massive scone fan...scone and hot choc was my standard afternoon snack when I used to come home from the hospital at the weekends; Mammy used to to make them for me specially and I was literally converted <3 I made some white ones in September but by then I was sort of falling into the relapse; consequently, I cut them out of my diet. But there will be no more of that kind of carry on, now. From now on, I, not ED, decide what and how much I am going to eat.

And so yes, today was a very good day in terms of fighting the Voice. I've managed to stick to my meal plan completely today, I cleaned my plate/bowl etc, I achieved my "scone" goal , and I defied the Voice when it told to tell me that I was not hungry, that I did not need this, that I should try and throw away some of the food on my plate when noone was looking. I felt...strong, today. I felt in control of everything; and I felt good in nourishing my body and not restricting. It was hard, it was daunting, it was nerve-wracking and scary and I feel as drained now as if I had spent the whole day jumping through hurdles but...I feel proud of what I have achieved. I know that I am getting stronger, and that I have found my feet again in path which leads to freedom.

So make today, the first day of Advent your new beginning. It's never, ever too late to change. Have courage, steel that determination, and stay strong. There is nothing to stop you from doing anything...least of all the Voice of a murderer, a thief, a destroyer...that is, ED. Make today the day you choose to change...the day you choose to fight for your freedom, for your life. <3 xxx


2 comments:

  1. Hey Dear Emily,
    hope you are ok...!!
    Just wanted to tell you that in our town there is an international choco market at the moment...with a lot of ANY kind of chocolate, also hot choc..
    I wish you can keep fighting, not cheating, it is so easy to even cheat at your own mind..."I do my best", just a little less here and there...I know that I want to recover, become strong and independant, but I am so afraid...
    I used to be a hard working person, working all the time, good results...but I ´m afraid I will never be this kind of person again, I lost so much energy and motivatin..for WHAT al this...?
    Perhaps I even don´t want to... I actually don`t know who I really am, and so I`m kind of stuck in my ED to avoid..avoid life.
    .At the moment, I life with such a panic because of my bf, that he will leave me...But even than, I would have to go on, make decisions and don`t let others decide..oh, so much wired stuff, sorry...
    But we just have this one?!!
    Have a good day, I am thinking of you,
    Theresa

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    Replies
    1. Hello dear! <3 Oh my goodness, hun I would absolutely love to go there, as you can probably tell hun I absolutely adore chocolate in both edible and drinkable forms!! ;)

      I can really relate to everything you say. You aren't alone in your feelings hun, please believe me, you are not. I feel and think the exact same way about everything. We can only try hun, and believe, and hope.

      Our stories really are so similar Theresa...I went from being the Grade A student in school, to this...I can barely study, concentrate, or get any kind of academic work done..it's so hard, it bbreaks my heart so much hun as it feels as if I have lost the only real talent that I ever have..now I just feel like a nobody :'(

      But this hun is the sort of thinking that we need to get out of, as it is damaging and destructive. We need to fight against this critical, horrible voice which tells us all these awful, crippling lies.

      Never forget hun that we only have this one chance at life and only one body. Noone deserves to live a life filled with suffering, pain and regret. <3

      Take care hun , you are always in my heart and thoughts. xxx

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