At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday 26 July 2015

The child of my ED... :'(

After another rough day yesterday - what with my parents being upset with me again, a night out which went badly wrong, and a very upset, tearful, and depressed Emmy at the end of it all - looking over my previous blog posts and reading all the little comments and reflections all helped to comfort and soothe me in the face of what could have been another powerful surge of depression-type melancholy; which would more than likely have reduced me to ineptitude, if I hadchosen to give in to it. I reminded myself that everything is going to be ok, the storm will pass, and I will not feel the way that I feel right now, forever and ever and ever. And so, today, I am just going to try to move on and continue on with all the little things that I had originally planned, before the rain came lashing down once more. Finish off the buns I made yesterday; write in my blog and perhaps, a bit of Morokia; sort out the dinner for tomorrow; commence with the tidying of my room after the Lego excavation. Go for a walk with Benny and write an email to the Senior Lecturer of Trinity, having received a bill on my tcd portal which at this point I'm not even sure I am going to be paying, or not. Just ordinary, simple things which will keep my hands busy and my mind off the tears and anger of yesterday, and the darkness which constantly threatens to engulf me at any moment.

I just feel so, so disappointed, again, because, as of Friday, I was feeling alot more positive and upbeat about things. But my head and mind seem to work differently from most people's, it seems. I resolve to be happy, and then something happens - something which might seem so small and insignificant to ordinary, normal people, but subsequently causes a massive issue for me - and I was once more reduced to despondency once again, because my demons - the demons of my very own making, the products of my very own mind - were just staring at me right in the face: and there were two branches, this time, two branches of the wrongness about the girl who is Emmy, snagging and catching at her body, threatening to trip her up and throw her to the ground.

I will tell you about these two demons in this post and the next, and then, I will leave it, here. I feel as if I need to talk about them, as there is part of me which wants to deny that it is ture, that they even exist. But I know all too well, that they do.

A few weeks back, you might have remembered me talking a little about my immaturity. And by that I don't mean anything to do with physical appearance. Though around this time last year, I know, I had the body of a girl. Stick-like arms and legs, tiny waist and hips, small, barely discernible breasts. That has changed, now, but unfortunately, my mindset certainly has not. And I still very much feel like that little girl who I used to be, when ED first came into my life, when my happiness wilted like a flower touched by frost. Small, afraid, frightened and dependent on others to keep me afloat. And unfortunately, that part of me hasn't changed.

It was this which caused some of the upset yesterday, and I completely understand why, it did. And I do not blame my loved ones for this, because I know how frustrating it must be for them, how hard it must be, to understand, why I act the way that I do. But of course, I still wish that they do understand; that they aren't as hard on me. As I don't know what to do to solve this; to make myself suddenly snap out of this self-imposed sense of immaturity. To make myself just grow up , like they tell me I should.

My ED makes me immature in a number of ways. Ways which writing them now fills me with shame and self-loathing, but the sad fact is, that I know that they are true.

Firstly, unlike most girls of my age - an age which is pretty much associated here in ireland as being the time for party-going, clubbing, being out on the town till the wee small hours of the morning, and so forth - do not have much of a social life, at all, and going out is something which fills me with fear and anxiety rather than excitement and delight. That people will look at me and see; and judge, and think, and speculate. I am painfully, excruciatingly self-conscious about my body and the way I look. I don't really drink , so this of course immediately makes me feel something of an oddity in a pub or a nightclub, surrounded by people who are doing just that; and me being one of the very few who are sober. I have been like this for the past three years, and I could count the nights out during this time on my fingers, as there have just been so few of them.

And then, of course, there is the food side of things. For in this sense, I am so, so pathetically immature: there are a number of things here which testify this, for me. For one thing, when I am on my own, it is almost as if I cannot physically make things for myself. Whether that be hot chocolate, or dessert, or to do myself a buttered scone, or toast a teacake under the grill. It is almost as if, by doing these things, my ED gets extremely agitated, screaming, No! You can't do that! You need someone to do this for you. It won't taste as good if you do it yourself. You need them to "see" that you are actually eating something. If you do it yourself noone is going to notice! No, don't you dare make it yourself! You can get away without eating that! You don't need that! You don't! You don't!...

And it is here where I always fall down in terms of the meal plan, for, if mam or dad or someone isnt there to give me that prompt, or make whatever up for me, or to check up on me to make sure I am actually going to eat it...then oftentimes, I can't do it. And this is all very well now, what with me living at home with Mam and Dad to look after me. But I am 21. 21! You wouldnt know it, would you? 21, and I have never worked, never had any money of my own, never been able to look after myself properly, never able to do anything really, by myself. And Mam and Dad can't look out for me, forever. There will come a time when I will have to leave home; I know that there is no denying that fact. But I am my ED's child as well as theirs, it seems. I would obey its wishes and comply meekly with its demands, just like a frightened child who is afraid of being punished, would. ED has made a child of me...if only I could pull away from its grasp, wholly and truly. If only I had the courage to break free.

                               2007
                                               2015

Though my body has changed, my head and my mind really haven't...
I don't want to be the child of my ED... :'(

10 comments:

  1. You have to fight Emmy, fight with all the strength you can possibly muster. Let me tell you from the heart that it is possible to fight and it is possible to leave behind that immaturity. Life seems impossibly terrifying for you. I have been you, in a nearly exact same situation, but now I am in a different, more mature situation. I am prepared to accept whatever life has to throw at me, and am determined not to be anxious about growing up, no matter how terrifying it seems. Life is out there waiting for you, Emmy. You have to go grasp it with both hands and live life to the full. I believe in you. I believe in your strength. I believe in your ability to fight against ED. I believe that one day, you will get there. Sending you my love and warmest hugs xoxo

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    1. Oh hun thank you so so much for this you are such a star <3 you r comment really helped me to feel so much better! And to hear that I am not alone in this, too hun, as oftentimes I feel so stupid and pathetic, as it truly feels as if I am the sole person on earth who feels the way I do. Change and growing up really is so scary hun, that is one thing I have learnt; I just hope I can find the strength and courage I need to take that massive leap forward. All my love hun thank you with all my heart <3 xxx

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    2. I'm glad it made you feel better. You're definitely not alone. EDs are just so isolating that they make you feel alone, but please do remember that you're not, and if you do ever feel alone, this is when you need to reach out. I am always here if you need to reach out at all ever. I completely understand the fear you feel about change and growing up. We simply have to accept this fear, terrifying as it is, and go with the flow. Everyone feels this fear to some extent, but having an ED exacerbates this fear somewhat. The best thing you can do is to go with the flow, it makes life so much easier. This is the leap you need to take lovely. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is do-able! Remember I'm always here for you xoxox

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    3. <3 thank you so so so much hun <3 this really means so much. I think one of the reasons why I am struggling a bit at the moment hun is that my support system has sort of crumbled and I have noone to talk to about my fears and worries, or to check up on me in terms of the meal plan.

      Thank you so much for your kind words hun <3 you are amazing. All my love hun take care <3 xxx

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  2. Oh Emmy, I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough patch right now. But I have a suggestion about eating meals alone. When I was living in my own apartment, I used to send my Mum photos of each meal (before/after) to keep myself accountable. We had a long talk where I shared my meal plan with her, then I told her that I knew that I would probably skimp on challenges if someone wasn't there to keep me on the straight and narrow. So I sent her photos and told her to get "mad" at me if I wasn't following the plan. But because I knew that she was seeing what I was eating, I was able to follow my plan perfectly. And because I did that for so long, it just became habit so that now I don't need to do that anymore, as I can keep myself accountable (I also keep a log for my dietician which helps). Now I only send photos if I do some particularly difficult challenge and need some positive feedback about it. But it definitely helped in the harder times. Can you maybe sit down with your parents and ask if you can send them photos of your food if you are alone? I'm sure they would be happy to help in that way!

    Keep fighting!

    -N xx

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    1. <3 oh hun thank you so so much for your comment once again <3 really means so so much to me hun <3 And what you suggested hun sounds such a good idea. I think it is so worth a try, I really want to work on this problem hun as I truly believe it will be my downfall, if I do not tackle it. Thank you so so much hun, you are so kind and considerate, I appreciate this so much <3 xxxxx

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  3. I am so sad to hear that your anorexia is so strong still Emmy. Please keep fighting and challenging your anorexic thoughhts. Yo uneed to remember that going against whatt your anorexi asays cant kill you, but listening to them can. For a while, fighting your anorexic thoughts will be incredibely easier but eventually it will get easier, i promise. But this will only happen if you face your fears and truly fight. Every time you fight your anorexia and win your anorexia gets weaker and you get stronger but if you dont do this then your anorexia will stay as strong as it is now, forever. Please fight Emmy. I know you can do it. You have already come so far and I know that you can do this.
    Love Karly <3

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    1. hun thank you so so much, hearing from you always makes me smile so <3 and you are so right hun, it is so true, letting ED win will only make ED stronger, and then patterns and habits develop which are so hard to break and which can potentially be so harmful.. :'( thanks so so much hun, your words make me feel stronger and more determined, hopefully tomorrow will be a much more positive day <3 all my love to you hun <3 xxxxx

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  4. Hi Emily, my heart so bleeds for you. You have to fight this no matter what. I've been anorexic for 35 years. Can you imagine this. Seven of these years I was so bad I was told twice I would die. I fouught hard but only recovered so that I was never real bad but not normal. I've been so blessed with a husband and 8 children (how I managed to have them is a miracle, even my doctor says this). I still see my doctor after 30 years, he is great. I've osteoporosis and broke three bones in my pelvis 2 years ago. That was a wake up call for me. My kids are begging me to recover. For once I'm starting to do ok. I've a way to go but my mindset is different. If I was there I'd give you a big hug. You are special and worth recovery. Do this now while you're still young.

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    1. Sonya thank you so so much for your message, it really touched me in a hundred ways and my heart really goes out to you, you have just been through so so much I am so sorry that you had to suffer all that you have been through with anorexia :'( but to hear your story and how you are now actively fighting for recovery is absolutely, so inspiring. Thank you so so much for writing Sonya, all my love and best wishes. xxx

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