At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday 31 January 2015

...but on the horizon of my life, a beautiful new dawn beckoned. :)

Here I am, back at home where I belong. <3

It's only for one night, I know... But nothing, nothing on this earth could have possibly have made me happier. Stepping out of those doors today, and feeling the sun on my face as the cool winter breeze stirred my hair, gently lifting the tawny blonde cascades free from the hood of my coat so that they brushed gently against my cheeks, tears of pure, real joy fell from my eyes. It was such a beautiful, perfect moment. The sky was a deep, cobalt blue, dotted here and there with tiny little white clouds that had tha appearance of delicate little cotton buds. Tiny snowdrops bobbed their droplet-like heads as I walked towards the pedestrian walkway which led to the station, where a train awaited to take me home.

The past few weeks have been, just as I anticipated, so incredibly tough in many more ways than one.

But I have pulled through and endured it all, and here I am once again, sitting in my favourite little chair overlooking the garden in the onservatory…and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I am happy. I have overcome the fear and the initial anxiety and unfamiliarity…I feel that I am, well and truly, on the way to recovery. The past two weeks, I have felt as if I have learnt, through knowledge and experience, so, so much. I have discovered, proved to myself, just how strong I really am. My journey is far from over, but I know, thanks to my own hard work, my own strength and hope and courage. that I have survived and overcome the hardest part.

 Over the past few weeks, I have been able to come to some fundamental, hugely significant realisations that I know are crucial in moving forward in my recovery. And you know, these aren't just specific to me...I would love for you to read these and realise that these might apply for you, too. You know, once you actually identify and acknowledge a problem or a negative thought...then that is half the battle, already won. Then and only then can you take another step forward and start working on that problem, and change it, change it for the better. :)



  • That mistreating and abusing my body in the way I did when I was in the grip of my eating disorder was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. But now I have the chance to make it up to my body, for all the shit I put it through, all the hurt and damage and abuse. Now is the time for me to take care of my body again, nurture it and nourish it and nurse it back to health. 
  • That every body is beautiful, in so many countless different ways. No one else has a body quite like yours. Maybe there are some tiny similarities...but nobody else on this earth has hair the exact same shade as yours, has ears and fingers and toes which are the same shape as your own. During the first few weeks of my hospital stay...I have began to learn to appreciate and love my body for the way it is. I know I still have some way to go in accepting my own body, but I know I have made a positive start. I have grown to love and appreciate the fair streaks in my hair, the bright blueness of my eyes, the smoothness of the skin on my face.
  • That there were still many foods that I, even since when I started working on recovery, had always declined or dismissed without thinking...on the automatic assumption that I did not like them. And some of these I hadn't even tried before....but my eating disorder was telling me that they just aren't your thing, Emmy. But since that day I left home and entered that completely new environment...yep, I had no choice but to push myself. Yet it was a push that I know I needed, and which I can now look upon with a sense of pride, and joy, and without one single trace of regret. I have discovered so many new foods I love, and have completely and utterly destroyed my old ED-type fears of trying out something new. :)


You are beautiful, you are amazing. And so can be your future horizon.
So just breathe and let it go. :) xxx



11 comments:

  1. So inspiring and raw, it makes me happy to hear all these realizations youve had and how at peace you are :) It makes me genuinely happy to hear about your progress and I think it is so helpful to others!

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    1. <3 thanks so, so much hun <3 you have helped me so much in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I will never be able to thank you enough hun <3 lots and lots of love and HUGS <3 xxx

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  2. You can be soooo unbelievably proud of you hunniii :-*such a lovely pic ;) and I know how strong you are and it makes me so happy seeing you realizing how life again will be worth living :) Love u so much huniii and keep all the good work up :)
    xxx Hope you enjoyed your time at home, keep getting stronger and I am always here if you need someone to talk to :-*

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    1. awww danke danke danke huni you are too cute <3 i feel so much better now hun, I feel as if I am really beginning to feel much more positive about everything and that this really is a battle we can both win, together hun <3 awww i did hun, it was just so, so perfect in every single way <3 awww I am always here for you too huni, please dont ever forget that <3 I got your email too hun <3 can't waitttt to read it heehee <3 lots of love hun <3 xxxxx

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  3. Well done Sweety!! I love your writing, as normal it is soo beautiful. I am glad you realized that your life is worth living and treating yor body well is a must!! Soo happy for for!! So inspiring :) keep it up Sweety you can do it!! I know you can :)
    Lots of love Livvy
    Xoxo

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    1. Oh Livvy thank you so so much <3 your support means the world to me hun! <3 I know I am much stronger now than I was :) Hope you are well and lots of love hun <3 xxxx

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  4. I am so happy to hear about your progress. I've just managed to catch up on your last couple of weeks after a lack of internet access and am so pleased to hear of what you've achieved. I am so proud of you Emmy. All your strength and courage in facing your biggest fears is pushing me to question my own position and think about what I can do to challenge myself more. Some of the things youve achieved in the past couple of months are so remarkable, things that have taken me years to achieve. So a big congratulations to you and thank you for providing such a true, open and honest account of what recovering from an eating disorder is like. Love always xx

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    1. oh hun reading this brought tears of happiness to my eyes!! thank you so, so much hun, your support means so much to me and I am so glad that my bblog is of some help to you too <3 Lots of love and hugs to you too Megan <3 xxxx

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  5. Hi Emily
    Are you underweight too? Or do you just have an ED?

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    1. Hello! :)
      I'm currently still being treated as an inpatient but my weight is much healthier now, as is my bmi. This time last year I was very underweight, my bmi was about 13.5 or something..now it is about 17. I know I still need to keep strong and stay working on it, but I am in a much better place then where I was a few months ago.

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  6. hi
    I just found your blog and I could have sworn you were 12! Cutie... ahha
    I was embarrased to read that you are actually 20! You are so tiny... I love your writing style. It is beautiful and so are you !!!

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